east coast exploration... not even close to being complete

So my days as a "professional education consultant" have come to their bitter end.  Am I happier?, yes.  Am I happy?, still up for debate.  After one month on my own in the great state of Rhode Island going door to door with my trusty, money-making bag, and I.D. badge, I called it quits.  Let's see... how can I possibly explain the unexplainable on this one?...

The job, I could handle.  It would be hard, but I could handle three months of door slams and "busy" New England moms.  The lifestyle mixed with the job?... not so much.  Being thrown in a completely new place, working 6 days a week, 13 hours a day, with meetings on my one day off... yeah, it doesn't leave much time to explore, or even be normal.  I was told by a couple people, that in order to be successful at this job, I would have to be a different Ry.  Leave most of the old at home, and take the new to the book-field for three months.  

Let me paint this picture the best I can:

lots of tears

very few smiles 

stress

anxiety

giving my Honda the new responsibility of being my best friend

no time for curious exploration

a call schedule set up as to when I could call my mother

going ninety miles a minute just to keep up

... you get the idea. 

After a little thought, being slammed by the people who were supposed to be supporting me, and a long, tearful conversation with my mother... I threw in the towel... or the book bag I guess. 

So, I packed my bags, and hit the open road to do some exploring on my own.  The second my foot touched the accelerator, I felt a genuine smile run across my face for the first time in a long time.  I was free.

... So, I didn't make the money I wanted to make, and I didn't build a hundred lasting friendships with my fellow house-hoppers, and I didn't get to enjoy the pleasure of proving to my mom, and more importantly, myself that I am capable of a challenge.  I didn't get anything I asked for.

... but I did get one thing I wasn't expecting.  I gained confidence in myself.  I learned that there are things about me that I should change, but more importantly, I learned that there are things about me that everyone else may think I should change... but I never will.  I am flawed... and that is my beauty.  I will never again abandon myself.  I will never let go of the old Ry... maybe dust her off and change the colors... but never again will I let her vanish.  I love her.  Flaws, and perfections... she is me.  And I love me.