Past, and Present, and Future.. Oh My!

July fifth, two thousand ten. Can-not-sleep.. which isn't exactly out of the norm. I am officially in a funk. Bold declaration, yes... but admitting the problem is half of the equation to solving it... or so I've heard.
I'm sitting in bed looking around my room at the dirty wads of clothes on the floor, and over-cluttered nightstand when I begin to realize that the root of all this uncommon (for me) organization-lacking bedroom mess is beginning to resemble my life. I am goalless. There, I said it. I find myself skipping whimsically through thoughts day in and day out of the future. Who I will be, what I will be doing... and I can't help but start to think that in the process of imagining myself as someone great in ten years, I am unknowingly wishing my life away in the moment. People (whoever those "people" are) are always saying to look ahead. Do not dwell on the past, but rather live for the future. Have a goal, and get to work. But what these "people" never tell you is that the road to the future is not only an obstacle course so intricate, an army officer couldn't figure it out.. but also never ending.
Now, instead of placing myself on the course, running shoes in tow and everything, I find myself sitting on the sidelines.. watching everyone else move.. and occasionally cheering them on, but mostly, I find myself scowling with bitterness, head turned toward the past, feet planted on dry stagnant ground. Wonderful.
A friend of mine once had a dream to change something bigger than herself. Think about that for a minute. How does one change something that is beyond the reach of her own hands?
There is only one way to do such a thing.. and that is to jump with outstretched arms until your fingertips hit something solid. Which, she inevitably did... and she struck gold and is now saving the world one sandal at a time*.
I have learned and accepted that I will never be the same person for too long. I will never be content sitting on the sidelines. And lastly, I will be waiting on the outskirts of life forever if I keep looking for something to motivate me to jump back in the race.
Sometimes, there is nothing ahead of us to pull... and nothing behind us to push. Sometimes, there just is what lies directly beside us.
So... after these thoughts have been put to paper (or a word document in this case), I have decided to go on hiatus from this blog until I am able to write about something I did, rather than continuing to write about something I wish to do. Thirty some odd posts later... I'd say it's about damn time I stop using the words stagnant, and motionless in my posts, and start coming up with something bigger than what I can blatantly see. I hope to be writing back sooner than later.
Over and out.

*The lovely lady referenced in this post is indeed a real friend of mine, and inspiration... that just so happens to really be saving the world with sandals. Check her out..
http://www.ssekodesigns.com/

Word of the Day: Revamp.

Since revamping one's life takes an excruciatingly painful amount of time, not to mention the obvious (wanting to revamp an entire life is borderline depressing), I have decided to take the more subtle approach, and just stick with revamping my blog; a makeover, if you will.
Enjoy. :)

Mis(ery)souri Can't Have My Strength

Hello... back so soon? Why yes, yes I am. See what I mean about living at the mercy of your emotions? I'm a victim.
After a couple days of literally and metaphorically sitting on the floor feeling sorry for myself, not being able to move, I've been overtaken. Sometimes we, as humans become overcome with sadness or frustrations to the point where all that's left is weakness. Weakness isn't such a terrible thing either though. It's painful, for sure, but necessary as well. Without weakness, we couldn't have strength.. and what a terrible thought to think of the world without strength.
Anyway, back to the floor of my closet.. where we last left off. You know that phrase that optimists and pessimists alike everywhere love?.. something like, "You have to hit rock bottom before you can go up". Sometimes I can't quite wrap my head around that. What exactly is rock bottom? Can you be at the bottom more than once? It some ways, it just seems like a dirty trick, in the way that is makes people believe rock bottom is that one time in your life where everything's gone to shit. And you can only have one rock bottom... so choose it wisely.
How ridiculous.
I sat on the floor, and staring back into my tear-filled eyes was strength. Call it a higher power, God, the other version of myself I fight with much too often, or even Mother Nature tending to a lost soul. Call it what you will.. it got me off of the floor.
Sometimes, you have to step outside of yourself in order to get the full view of your reflection. I am a human, a woman, queen to only myself. I make the rules. That being said, I have reserved the right to feel completely and utterly sorry for myself. Sometimes it's necessary to see, feel, even adapt to the weakness that creeps up, and overcomes you when life is far too unfair, and unfit for this queen.
I'm not sure if I've hit rock bottom. It feels more like I give in to my screaming emotions before I touch down. Maybe I float? Bounce? Whatever it is, I certainly don't, and won't let myself sit there for long.
Back to my journey... back to my throne.

From Cradle To Cave

They call people who do their best work late at night, or in my case in the wee hours of the morning, night owls.. but I'm beginning to think frivolous work in the darkness stems from lights being turned on internally. As I sit preparing to unleash the inner torment inside my brain, I'm staring down at my freshly painted fingernails. It's strange to think that just a few hours ago I was curled up on the floor of my closet wallowing in the tears of self pity and pure anger. .. Maybe that has something to do with the black coloring of the polish, or even the Sharpie tattooed smiley face staring back at me that I drew since my best friend isn't here to remind me to turn the corners of my lips up occasionally.
Alright, enough of the pathetic wallowing. Let's move on to something far more beautiful than waterfalls pouring out of angry eyes, and definitely more powerful than a lump of human on the floor. I'm talking about the Rocky Mountains, of course. I left Thursday evening with my trusty suitcase, not bothering to make sure I had every last thing packed... why worry about such minor details when flying to Colorado? I did all the things I normally do in Colorado, which consisted of trying to squeeze as many new adventures in during such a short amount of time. I caught up on my education in a museum, got my culture exploration done strolling the streets of Boulder, and even managed to reunite with the mountains on a hike. After enjoying a night with friends downtown, it was time to drag myself back "home", literally driving away from the most beautiful scenery imaginable.
Now, I know what you're thinking, so I'll go ahead and address the over dramatic tone in my words.
It's hard for me to write or even talk about Colorado in a way that isn't magical. Colorado is my home... if home truly is where the heart is. I can't compare it, or dumb it down in any way to make it sound like some mere vacation to get away from work, school, the mundane lifestyle of humidity and mosquitoes, or what have you. Colorado is my dream, my happiness, my peace. I wear it every day.. not like wearing struggles, or pain on your sleeve; but around my neck right down to my fingers so I can be reminded of the beauty and simplicity of this dream. I write what I feel, and Colorado certainly brings out the most colorful emotions inside me, so I will continue to write, and talk, and feel about Colorado the same way a five year old feels at Disney World.
I was born in Missouri. I was raised in Missouri. But I will never appreciate Missouri, until I leave it. I dream of packing my bags, and leaving for the Rockies every day, but I can't be a dreamer forever. I don't want to be a dreamer forever. I live my life as though I have reality, and I have escape... being my dreams. When I escape, I am always being pulled back into reality, and lately I find myself scratching to stay in my dream.
I once asked a friend, "If you couldn't have something real, would you choose something meaningless over nothing at all?", to which he responded, "If it is meaningless, then it already is nothing". I'm not saying my life is nothing, or my memories here are nothing... I'm simply saying, my situation has become nothing anymore, and I won't live for nothing.
So for now, I'm writing my frustrations so I can wake up in the morning and go to work, to be able to pay off my debts, and hopefully save for my dream.. because I don't know if I can go back to Colorado, and have to leave it again.

Plans are for Clams, and I'm A Colorful Fish.

Top of morning? to ya... it's currently 1:25 am, which means as soon as I engulf myself in these oh so tempting sheets, I'll finally put an end to this horrendous day. Yes, (Michelle) horrendous is the big, emotional word I'm looking for here. :)
Sometimes, my thoughts get so jumbled inside of me, I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore... so I'm hoping that by channeling that into some form of journalism (... already bringing a smile to my face...) I'll straighten this out, and give you a better idea of where I'm at rather than just leaving you to wonder what the hell I just said. ha.
Alright... here we go, traveling back in time... but I'm just letting my fingers translate my mind, so we'll see how this goes...
Without getting into the logistics of things, I'll say "way back when" (oi, that's almost painful to type)... certain situations didn't go exactly as I had planned to say the least. In fact, I didn't even know what it was that I had planned.. but I knew it wasn't how life was dealt to me in that moment. Still following?... So at around 11 years old, I came up with this brilliant idea to circle the best looking, most appealing day on the calendar to name "The Day". (This is not a joke. Those were the words and everything.) I would spend the time leading up to this specific "Day" prepping and preparing for a new life, a life I could plan for, a life I wanted. So I redid my room, and bought new accessories all the way down to a new toothbrush- all of which was essential in "starting over".
Jump back to present with me. I decided to make a big, yet simple decision (we've been over this), and quit school, move back home, start working, yada yada. Upon moving home, I repainted my room to create a "fresh start". Still following where I'm going with this?... No, I didn't buy a new toothbrush this time, and I wasn't trying to mend a shattered heart with excessive organization, but I was preparing for something that would never come. The perfect plan. The blueprint to my life.
When mental thoughts are too much to handle, too much to control, I turn to controlling the things I can physically. I repaint, organize, circle meaningless dates on a calendar only to be disappointed in myself when the preparing wasn't good enough to amount to the first day of the rest of my life.
Recently, my biggest struggle hasn't been the move back home, or transitioning from student to waitress (it's nice to see a paycheck again). My biggest struggle is dealing with days like today. Days when I feel unimportant, and meaningless. It's painful to not only know, but feel that there are great plans ahead of me, yet not have a clue on how to get to those dreams. But after letting these thoughts eat away at me for long enough, I've learned this: Maybe these plans are so big, that there is no way to prepare. Maybe I don't need to repaint, or trash things from my past to replace them with good enough things for my future, because I'm meant to be living that right now. I know this may seem like such a stupid epiphany because it's almost trivial... but I'm not talking from the surface right now.
There are things existing internally that I have taken note of on a much deeper level, and disliked. I know they aren't a part of me because of this overwhelming feeling of insignificance in my life right now. But instead of focusing on the inner struggles, and instead of destroying aspects of me that need to be dismissed... I repaint my room. I dye my hair a new color. I destroy the outer levels of me that I'm ready to change... the real unimportant aspects.
dot. dot. dot.
After reading over this, trusting what's inside myself to work with what's relaying this message to you (and me), I have but one thing to pull from this...
If people are shocked by what I do to the outside of me, it leads me to wonder what's going to happen when I start to change the inside of me. When I start to dismiss pieces that don't fit, and polish new ones that fill gaps with no holes. This is bound to be a fun ride...
As for now, I've put my mind at ease first, now it's time for my body to follow suit. Isn't the irony of that almost humorous? :) Goodnight world.

Restless Legs, Or Sleepless Mind?

It's 3 am on a Monday morning, and I can't sleep due to the most horrifying inconvenience known to a tired soul... restless legs. Ugh (if there is one time that actually typing "ugh" is justifiable, that time is now.) So... I'm going to write for you. For me. :)

Since my last entry (how formal..), I have mastered the nomadic life of a suitcase junkie to say the least.  I spend my days making some money, my nights exhausted, usually curled up in bed smelling like deli food doing some meaningless internet surfing, and my weekends in Columbia reliving the fun parts of college.  Or maybe it's just the fun parts of life now, since I am a college dropout and all..

I hate that word: reliving.  Gross.  Who wants to relive when there's no regret?  It seems these past couple of weeks, I have had some pretty deep, often dark conversations with anyone and everyone who will listen to what I think is a pretty twisted world (the one in my head anyway).  I've defended my faith while dismissing religion.  I've talked to a Wiccan (I think..) about the art of healing one another through our own body's energy.  I've smiled, and given a happy hello to everyone I pass by, everyday.  It's amazing what a simple smile can do to brighten up a day... even if you're only brightening up your own. 

But outside of everything... I feel somewhat empty.  I walk through my day singing songs in my head, day dreaming of this beautiful life ahead of me.  I'm getting so anxious.  I'm about an ink signature away from moving back to Columbia to be with the people I love.  I'm putting my dreams of destination aside to get my fill of that feeling that those people in the most perfect destinations day dream about.  Sounds pretty descent, I suppose... but if this is the way it's meant to be.. if it's alright that I'm putting off what I catch myself subconsciously smiling about on a daily basis... why am I questioning?  My questions have never steered me wrong before... so I'm not about to just brush that off.  Maybe there's a reason I don't have regret in my soul.  Maybe I'm not meant to relive.  

the short of it all

Welcome 2010!... I'm ten days in and couldn't be more disappointed in you.  Ha!  Ten damn days into the new year, and I've already learned entirely too much.  Aside from having my feet in the sand on the Texas shoreline on New Years Day, my first 2010 vacation was about as painful as realizing sweet tea wasn't on the dollar menu at McDonalds in the South.  Of course, I'm speaking from the surface, which unfortunately can be easy to be the only thing one sees...

After hopping a plane home to Missouri early, and taking a couple days to configure my thoughts.. here's what I've come up with:

A)  You rarely get what you plan for, but if you allow yourself to see beauty in every outcome, life won't seem so unfair. 

B)  Missouri isn't so miserable after all... winter weather and all.

C)  The absolute most important things in life aren't things at all.. they're the people who keep you grounded.. the people who allow you to open your heart to give and receive the most beautiful feeling in the world. 

In short, without all of the ugly details, the start of my new year was an absolute, unexpected mess.  But I did get to look out into the ocean.  And I did get to come back with a new appreciation for my world here... at home. 

More philosophies on this later... but for now, Happy 2010.