Plans are for Clams, and I'm A Colorful Fish.
Top of morning? to ya... it's currently 1:25 am, which means as soon as I engulf myself in these oh so tempting sheets, I'll finally put an end to this horrendous day. Yes, (Michelle) horrendous is the big, emotional word I'm looking for here. :)
Sometimes, my thoughts get so jumbled inside of me, I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore... so I'm hoping that by channeling that into some form of journalism (... already bringing a smile to my face...) I'll straighten this out, and give you a better idea of where I'm at rather than just leaving you to wonder what the hell I just said. ha.
Alright... here we go, traveling back in time... but I'm just letting my fingers translate my mind, so we'll see how this goes...
Without getting into the logistics of things, I'll say "way back when" (oi, that's almost painful to type)... certain situations didn't go exactly as I had planned to say the least. In fact, I didn't even know what it was that I had planned.. but I knew it wasn't how life was dealt to me in that moment. Still following?... So at around 11 years old, I came up with this brilliant idea to circle the best looking, most appealing day on the calendar to name "The Day". (This is not a joke. Those were the words and everything.) I would spend the time leading up to this specific "Day" prepping and preparing for a new life, a life I could plan for, a life I wanted. So I redid my room, and bought new accessories all the way down to a new toothbrush- all of which was essential in "starting over".
Jump back to present with me. I decided to make a big, yet simple decision (we've been over this), and quit school, move back home, start working, yada yada. Upon moving home, I repainted my room to create a "fresh start". Still following where I'm going with this?... No, I didn't buy a new toothbrush this time, and I wasn't trying to mend a shattered heart with excessive organization, but I was preparing for something that would never come. The perfect plan. The blueprint to my life.
When mental thoughts are too much to handle, too much to control, I turn to controlling the things I can physically. I repaint, organize, circle meaningless dates on a calendar only to be disappointed in myself when the preparing wasn't good enough to amount to the first day of the rest of my life.
Recently, my biggest struggle hasn't been the move back home, or transitioning from student to waitress (it's nice to see a paycheck again). My biggest struggle is dealing with days like today. Days when I feel unimportant, and meaningless. It's painful to not only know, but feel that there are great plans ahead of me, yet not have a clue on how to get to those dreams. But after letting these thoughts eat away at me for long enough, I've learned this: Maybe these plans are so big, that there is no way to prepare. Maybe I don't need to repaint, or trash things from my past to replace them with good enough things for my future, because I'm meant to be living that right now. I know this may seem like such a stupid epiphany because it's almost trivial... but I'm not talking from the surface right now.
There are things existing internally that I have taken note of on a much deeper level, and disliked. I know they aren't a part of me because of this overwhelming feeling of insignificance in my life right now. But instead of focusing on the inner struggles, and instead of destroying aspects of me that need to be dismissed... I repaint my room. I dye my hair a new color. I destroy the outer levels of me that I'm ready to change... the real unimportant aspects.
dot. dot. dot.
After reading over this, trusting what's inside myself to work with what's relaying this message to you (and me), I have but one thing to pull from this...
If people are shocked by what I do to the outside of me, it leads me to wonder what's going to happen when I start to change the inside of me. When I start to dismiss pieces that don't fit, and polish new ones that fill gaps with no holes. This is bound to be a fun ride...
As for now, I've put my mind at ease first, now it's time for my body to follow suit. Isn't the irony of that almost humorous? :) Goodnight world.
Sometimes, my thoughts get so jumbled inside of me, I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore... so I'm hoping that by channeling that into some form of journalism (... already bringing a smile to my face...) I'll straighten this out, and give you a better idea of where I'm at rather than just leaving you to wonder what the hell I just said. ha.
Alright... here we go, traveling back in time... but I'm just letting my fingers translate my mind, so we'll see how this goes...
Without getting into the logistics of things, I'll say "way back when" (oi, that's almost painful to type)... certain situations didn't go exactly as I had planned to say the least. In fact, I didn't even know what it was that I had planned.. but I knew it wasn't how life was dealt to me in that moment. Still following?... So at around 11 years old, I came up with this brilliant idea to circle the best looking, most appealing day on the calendar to name "The Day". (This is not a joke. Those were the words and everything.) I would spend the time leading up to this specific "Day" prepping and preparing for a new life, a life I could plan for, a life I wanted. So I redid my room, and bought new accessories all the way down to a new toothbrush- all of which was essential in "starting over".
Jump back to present with me. I decided to make a big, yet simple decision (we've been over this), and quit school, move back home, start working, yada yada. Upon moving home, I repainted my room to create a "fresh start". Still following where I'm going with this?... No, I didn't buy a new toothbrush this time, and I wasn't trying to mend a shattered heart with excessive organization, but I was preparing for something that would never come. The perfect plan. The blueprint to my life.
When mental thoughts are too much to handle, too much to control, I turn to controlling the things I can physically. I repaint, organize, circle meaningless dates on a calendar only to be disappointed in myself when the preparing wasn't good enough to amount to the first day of the rest of my life.
Recently, my biggest struggle hasn't been the move back home, or transitioning from student to waitress (it's nice to see a paycheck again). My biggest struggle is dealing with days like today. Days when I feel unimportant, and meaningless. It's painful to not only know, but feel that there are great plans ahead of me, yet not have a clue on how to get to those dreams. But after letting these thoughts eat away at me for long enough, I've learned this: Maybe these plans are so big, that there is no way to prepare. Maybe I don't need to repaint, or trash things from my past to replace them with good enough things for my future, because I'm meant to be living that right now. I know this may seem like such a stupid epiphany because it's almost trivial... but I'm not talking from the surface right now.
There are things existing internally that I have taken note of on a much deeper level, and disliked. I know they aren't a part of me because of this overwhelming feeling of insignificance in my life right now. But instead of focusing on the inner struggles, and instead of destroying aspects of me that need to be dismissed... I repaint my room. I dye my hair a new color. I destroy the outer levels of me that I'm ready to change... the real unimportant aspects.
dot. dot. dot.
After reading over this, trusting what's inside myself to work with what's relaying this message to you (and me), I have but one thing to pull from this...
If people are shocked by what I do to the outside of me, it leads me to wonder what's going to happen when I start to change the inside of me. When I start to dismiss pieces that don't fit, and polish new ones that fill gaps with no holes. This is bound to be a fun ride...
As for now, I've put my mind at ease first, now it's time for my body to follow suit. Isn't the irony of that almost humorous? :) Goodnight world.
posted by Ry | 11:24 PM
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