EXPERIENCing Chicago.

I know I've been jumping around recently with my blogs, but this one is long overdue... and maybe writing about something of beauty and adventure (two of my favorite things) will inspire me to look for the answers to the questions in my previous blog.

The Thursday before the start of Labor Day weekend, I posed the idea of traveling to my friend, Tevela's home city, Chicago.  I'd never been before, and have heard it's not like any other city... so why not?  My roommate, Jenny and I started packing, and on Friday night, we picked up Teez and headed North.

We arrived in Chicago Saturday morning (after taking a four hour nap in the Ramada Inn parking lot and grabbing Denny's for extra energy), and we were quick to begin the adventure.  We drove past the city, and into Englewood.  Tall, glass buildings turned into aging bungalows.  Busy streets morphed into graffitied bridges.  We pulled up to Teez's house, and upon entering the rickety doorway, we were welcomed (Mom-style) with huge hugs and smiles.  After being frustrated with driving around to expensive hotels, Teez finally let us explore her city.  

We started with the Bean, saw Sears Tower, checked out a Jazz festival downtown, visited Navy Pier, stopped to listen to the bucket boys perform, and even came across a psychic who had the gaul to tell me I'm going to have twins (let's just not think about it...).  I loved every minute of that evening, walking around downtown with two of my best friends, exploring the big city, walking through the hustle and bustle of the tourist-packed streets.  But it's the memories that weren't caught on camera that are forever engraved in my mind, in my heart. 

Mama Teez spent an entire day cooking, and BBQ-ing for us.  She made ribs, spaghetti covered in cheese, baked beans with ground beef, hot links, potato salad...  I met friends and family at the cookout.  I sat on a porch just shooting the breeze, showing my new family a glimpse into my world, and being entranced in theirs.  I bobbed, japped, and pool palaced* in the dining room for hours on end.  I taught Teez and her sisters how to headbang.  I went to Sweet Holy Spirit Church, and did a victory lap when I caught the inspiration.  I hopped my first fence.  I slept on a fold out bed in the living room.  I washed my hands in a bathtub.  I adapted an entire new vocabulary.  I opened my mind, and my heart.. and welcomed the love that was so generously given.  I loved back.  

That weekend, I did more than just eat my body weight in Dunkin Donuts.  I let myself be engulfed in a world that was nothing like my own.  I watched as skin color faded, and language barriers broke down.  I watched as two completely different worlds meshed, rather than collided.. and I tied those worlds together with a pretty friendship bracelet. 

That weekend, I was the minority.  And I loved every second of it.  When Tevela talks of her home, you can hear the pride radiating out of her, but when Tevela took me to her home, you could see the disappointment in her face.  She wanted Jenny and I to stay in a fancy hotel, and spend the little money we came with, on tours of Sears Tower rather than buying souvenir hemp bracelets.  She saw the bathroom sink as broken, the fold out bed as old and dirty, the time spent sitting on the front porch as wasted daylight.  But it wasn't wasted at all.  It was comforting to just be in the presence of people willing to share their lives with me.  The fold out bed allowed me to sleep peacefully in the home of people who love me.  The bathroom sink provided me with a fun story.  

That weekend taught me more than I could ever learn in a classroom.  It showed me more beauty than I can see in a perfect sunset.  It introduced me to new friends, put a new adventure in my fairy tale, and showed me more love and acceptance than I've seen in a long time.  My weekend in Chicago was inspiring.  I didn't just watch those two worlds mesh, I lived it... and that memory will never die. 

I love you Teez, Sena, Lana, JB, and Mama Teez.  

BEAN!

Teez, Jenny, and I

Sena and her "27 piece" HA.

Dunkin.

friendship bracelets. :)

*Bobbing

headbanging lessons. 

"The first time I went to Chicago, I visited it... this time, I experienced it." -Jenny

p.s. Make sure to check out Tevela's take on the weekend at:  

http://tevela-yatrice.blogspot.com/

Static State of Mind

I have come to the conclusion that I absolutely despise the "real world"... mostly because it runs on money, and that's something I rarely have.  I like to tell myself that money doesn't matter.  And money should never be a reason to not do something.  But it turns out, I've been blessed with a pretty comfortable life, and never really had to learn the hard way just how big of a role money plays in life.  But then again, money doesn't bring happiness.  Happiness, instead, is a state of mind... and money can't tamper with that.  So what can?  What can change, or bring peace to my state of mind?  Why is happiness still the most powerful word in the constantly unanswered questions when I write?

"Everyone goes through low points Ry."--that's what my friend told me last night while I was sitting in my own puddle of tears on the floor of my apartment.  I can agree with that.  I just got finished convincing myself, not too long ago, that life isn't a constant peach-fest.  But forget low points.  What about a low state of mind.  What about that?

Let me ask you this:  If you had the opportunity to instill peace and harmony within your mind, but you had to leave comfort, and the safety of knowing what lies ahead, would you take it?  Would you trade in contentment for constant searching?  

I am starting to feel/realize that I live a pretty shallow life, here... because someday, I dream of leaving this place behind.  So I think that by leaving the place, I can leave the emptiness as well.  The question is, Do I have to find a new place to discover the real me?, or Do I find the real me in a place where I am constantly disconnected from depth?...

Real Life Fairy Tales

I know it's been too long, my loyal readers... but I'm back.  Again. :)

I've been doing far too much thinking, but I guess that's what happens when you're a young, naive, gypsy looking for answers in this unfair, yet magnificent world.  I've been meaning to post about my recent trip to Chicago, and upload apartment pictures... but this is far more important right now.

I walk around the same grounds every day, blasting music to suit my mood into my head.  I like to think I dance to my own beat.  I kid myself into believing I have a grip on reality.  But what the hell is reality anyway?  I know I don't usually talk about politics (i.e. religion) on here... but who I am kidding?.. I have a big mouth, and something to say, so listen up.  I see people on a daily basis dedicate their lives to something unreal. (side note:  reality- "a real event, entity, or state of affairs")  More people live their lives as a fairy tale.  I mean, are we not programed as children to believe fairy tales actually exist?  Of course we are.  Who doesn't know the story of Cinderella?  But what's so unreal about Cinderella?  Summary:  born into an unfair world full of trials and tribulations, something incredible happens, glimpse at happiness, happiness taken away, move on, let happiness find you.  Of course there is the whole "and they/he/she lived happily ever after"... but we're talking about Disney movies here, so that's inevitable.  Which brings me back to religion.  

Since being involved in Campus Crusade for Christ (yes, I'm calling you out on your gargantuan faults, sue me), I have learned to run from religion.  And when I'm not running... I'm laughing.  Don't get me wrong, I don't mock faith, just religion.  Because if "religion" means claiming some kind of universal belief system to staple to your heart... I want nothing to do with it.  I feel like some people use this flimsy piece of stapled paper to shield their hearts from what's real.  It catches the crap, then brushes it off.  

Well... I decided to take that shitty piece of paper off, and suddenly something happened.  My heart opened up, eyes became unshielded, mouth unguarded, mind enlightened.  I have struggled with my faith more in the last year than in my whole life.  But at least I question.  At least I don't live in a fantasy just because it's "comfortable".  

After reading this... you may be wondering how my "walk with the Lord" is.  After never knowing what to say to that, I have my answer (probably not my last, but an answer nonetheless).

I believe in something greater than me.  I believe I was put on this earth with a purpose to find, and one hell of a journey leading me there.  I believe in questioning.  But I also believe in the words of Donald Miller:  "The very scary thing about religion, to me, is that people actually believe God is who they think He is..., it makes me wonder if God created us in His image or if we created Him in ours."

I don't, and won't let a "religion" define my faith.  I won't live by a rule book.  I won't discriminate against those who believe differently than I.  I will never have an answer that sums up all of my questions.  

I read once that, "If you're constantly growing, you will always be out of your comfort zone."  It saddens me to see so many people, young and old, to fall under the illusion that being comfortable is better than growing.

My faith isn't anywhere near where I'd like to be.  Now before you ask, no, I don't know where it is supposed to be... but that's why I won't stop questioning.  These are my thoughts.  I'm not saying I'm right (if God and I have a heart to heart soon... I'll be sure to post his answers), but I'm pretty sure if He didn't want us to grow, he'd have programed us with all the right answers by now.  And before you tell me that he did give us the answers.. in the Bible, tradition of the Church, etc. I've already been there... and I don't back track.  

I'll leave you with this:  "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

... unshield your eyes...

Walking With The Ghost

"Just write, ry.  Just write."

I seem to be in a constant search for joy.  How is it that the most simplest of gifts gets so incredibly complicated?  

I live in two completely separate worlds.  One of these gives me instant gratification while lacking even so much as a glance into the future, and the other gives me something to always be working towards without allowing me a carefree state of mind in the now.  These worlds never touch... they only revolve around one another.

No one ever asks me who I am.  My friends, family, strangers passing by... they all have their ideas, but no one asks.  Is it because they already know who I am?  If that's the case, can I ever grow in their eyes, or will I forever remain the same?  I don't want to be the same.  And if someone on a chance occasion were to ask me who I am... what would I say?  Who am I?

I know who I'm not.  So does everything I'm not make up who I am?  I don't think so.  I am a child in this world with eyes full of curiosity, a mind full of thoughts that sometimes, I don't even understand, and a heart full of love.  How could I ever imagine myself without another question?...

I am constantly striving to be someone better.  Looking into the future... seeing the best me.  But if I never stop asking, and answering, and growing... that day in the future will never come.  Why can't I see the "best me" now?  Why does there have to be timeline on my growth?  Why can't my worlds mesh?

When I let go, I get the instant joy... but the world holding my future goals and ambitions turns its back on me yet again...

I'm constantly walking with the ghost... of me.  Where there is one, the other is not.  I shouldn't have to be a ghost to myself.  I feel like I'm constantly walking in circles, trying to catch the revolving world.  I am anxious for the day I can stand still in contentment.