"Who I will someday be, I am now becoming."

Events of today:

I filled my tank with the little money I had left and drove to the one place I knew would make me feel more at home than home itself.  I headed East to the Atlantic Ocean.  As I drove into the old town lined with antique stone buildings, I began to smell my safe place.  The one place where I could go to forget the defeat of the day and the dreadful tomorrow.  So I parked along a sidewalk lined with surfboard racks and seagulls, grabbed a pen and paper, and began my walk to the water. 

I sat on an old wooden bench and instantly became tangled in the beauty of the beach.  It's only Friday and already I want to give up.  Four days of work and four days of what I would imagine hell would look like.  I told myself over and over, "It will get better, just keep going...", but every day, I end feeling defeated and trampled on... not to mention exhausted and dehydrated from all the tears I've cried.

This job is hardly a "job".  It's a new way of life... a completely new schedule.

But didn't I know this before making the twenty hour drive up here?  Aren't I stronger than being afraid to leave my car, and spending five hours a day seeing how blood shot I can get my eyes?  After all, I have been through much worse.

I was forced into independent maturity at the ripe age of ten and now, as a young adult, I'm seeking comfort from a Honda??  Ah, yes... the rubber tires and double cup holders make me feel all fuzzy inside. (side note:  I just witnessed a seagull poop... quite interesting. end side note)

So I guess as much as I'd like to be a bird right now so I could just fly to the middle of the ocean and never have to see another Rhode Island front door again... I can't.  One, because I'm not a bird, and two, because I will not give up.

No matter what happens tomorrow- if I don't make a single sale, or if I cry another ocean, I-will-not-give-up.

Why won't I give up and drive home to safe arms of people who love me, and comfortable situations where I can make people laugh instead of making them angry?  Why don't I go home to spend my summer with friends instead of spending it with my car, and to sleep until noon instead of waking up six days a week at six a.m.?  I could go home and do all the things I want to do instead of giving them up to work eighty hours a week.  Why am I here?

Because.  Because I am not a quitter.  Because I want to make my mother proud.  Because I want to make myself proud.  Because no matter how alone I feel, my father is always in the passenger seat.  Because I want to be a role model.  Because I want to prove my skeptics wrong, and my mom right.  Because I want to push myself and succeed.  Because I want to be a better student.  Because I want to overcome my weaknesses.  Because I want to change.  Because I want to grow. 

I used to run from anything uncomfortable in search of happiness.  But maybe the real joy lies in pushing towards discomfort so hard that the barriers of weakness are forever broken and I will run no more.  

I will not quit.  I will not give up.  I will not run.

more info on a time crunch!

Howdy from Nashville folks!

... okay, my Southern mocking is over.. :)

Here are the main details so far:

A)  I found out I'll be staying and working in Kingston, RI!

B)  I am rooming with two lovely ladies, both of which are on my team... one being my student manager.

C)  It will take approximately 16 hours and 51 minutes to get there from Nashville.

D)  I am approximately 1,230 miles from home. adventurous enough?... :)

... now that the basics are down... 

Sales School was fantastic in every way this week.  I have worked harder and used my brain more than I have in a very long time.  We have our last meeting tomorrow morning and get to sleep in until 8 am people!  We head to Pennsylvania tomorrow morning, and we'll stop and rest there for the night... then we truck it on over to our territories.  For the most part, we're all over New England.  We've got people in Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and New York.  

I don't have much more time to update.. but I do want to say this before signing off.  I want you to know that I love all of you so much, and as much as I wish I could call and email you weekly, it's just unrealistic right now.  No one will understand what I'm about to endure for the next three months except the people going through this with me.  But that's the beauty of this summer.  I wish I had more time to express this with my words, but I've got to get to bed right now.  So I'll leave by saying... I love you. and I'll be back in 11 short weeks full of new confidence and more independence than I ever thought possible.  So try not to be frustrated with me, rather just think about me... and maybe even send up a prayer every once in a while.  

I can't wait for this experience. 

I will write more later.

I love you all.

Narrshville Baby!

Hello lovely's.  

Welp, I made it.  Got up early Saturday morning to caravan to Ten-I-See.. and made it by 8.  Just a real quick update because I am currently training to live on schedules and my sleep schedule says I need to be in bed by 11 (that is NOT hard when waking up at 5:59)...

first order of business:  my new best friend is a 50 pound backpack.  seriously... that backpack is my baby.  we are going to work together this summer to bring home the bacon.

second:  I run everywhere.  sense of URGENCY people!... (think about this... ry... run?...)

third:  it's 11:07, so i need to hit the sheets.  more updates to come...

quick update.

I leave in five days people.  FIVE DAYS!  Some quick things I've learned in the past couple days:

A) packing is a mother.--this is my room right now...

... disgusting.

B) don't climb on fire escapes unless there's really a fire.

C) studying for finals with internet access never works.  leave the computer in your room, or forget about getting anything accomplished.

D) jeff city does possess a wee bit of fun when searched for... 

Cinco De Mayo makes me soft...?

Twelve more days until I ship out ladies and gents.  These past couple of days have been nothing short of eventful to say the least.  How is it that I feel like I'm learning something completely new about myself every day?... Is there really that much more to learn?... okay, I know the answer to that.  

Well, I'm sitting here ready to rant and rave about my bruised heart as a product of my own stupidity... and how I'm ready to get out of this state to have the experience of a lifetime... and how even though I'm learning all these crazy new things, I still manage to make the worst decisions possible only to deviate from my previous self... but I'm not going to talk about any of that.  Because I've re-realized that amidst all the shit I put myself through to grow, and experience, and become who I'm not but dream of being... I am blessed.  Not in the "Jesus Christ" sense of being blessed (I'm still working on that..), but just taking a step back to realize what I do have because of the risks I've taken that have panned out in my favor.  They exist.  

... So, let me introduce you to some of my loves... some of the little things that make me smile daily... the things and people that make the disasters seem mindless...

*This is my mother.. the single, most important person in my life.  No one will ever replace the love in my heart that will forever belong to this incredibly strong and beautiful woman.  I wouldn't dream of living one day in this world without her.  She is, most simply and complexly put, my ma. 

*He is the reason I will never stop believing.  He is my guardian angel.  He speaks to me through the rain... and he will be waiting at heavens gates with lightning rods for all the jerks who ever hurt my heart  :)

*Colorado.  The place that will wait for me to stop traveling the world.  The place I will undoubtedly call home one day.

*The ocean.. my other love, only second to the Rockies.  The place the feeds my curiosity more than anything else.

*My sisters.  Enough said.

*Jen baby.  The one person that sucks at figuring out this life stuff just as much as I do.  The person who jumped on a plane to come hug me (this really happened).  The idiot who bought a $40 pool net to try and fish my digital camera out of the water hole on Market Street.  The person who loves me exactly the way I am, 80's get up and all. :)

*I had to. :) 

... it turns out this blog could go on longer than I thought, so I'm going to stop there.  I have so many people and things in my life that I can 100% stick the word love behind.  I ran across a quote I've been reading over all night... "Worry does not take the pain out of tomorrow, it merely takes the joy out of today."...

... Growing is painful, but oh so beautiful with a life full of love. :)