introducing: the cookie monster.

*signing our first months rent check. (because I am clearly the most financially responsible person out of the four of us.. yeah...)

*us with our huge $600 rent check 

*The Cookie Monster

:)

time to "venture"...

Bonjour mes amis!... so here's a quick update:

one, I've signed my first lease on a house with three of my incredible friends for the fall.  It's a real palace, let me tell you.  Blueish/ purple, bathroom off of the kitchen, no air conditioning, need a step ladder to get into the cabinets, and absolutely beautiful. :)

two, A lot of people have been asking what I'm doing for the summer... and this is the easiest way for me to tell a lot of people at once.  I am moving to either Rhode Island or Connecticut for about 11 weeks to go door to door and sell books*. :)  I leave May 16th for sales school in Nashville, and after a week of that, I'm off to New England.  I could sit here and tell everyone about how I'm going to be a "Professional Educational Consultant" who is bettering the youth of America by presenting homework-helping books to families with children... but quite honestly, I don't care to make myself or this job sound fantastic to anyone other than myself.  This is a killer opportunity that I would regret immensely if I passed it up.  It's an adventure.  It's an entire summer out of Missouri.  It's a way to learn about myself, run my own business, be on my own, see a part of the U.S. I've never seen, and grow.  I'm sold.

SO... here are the logistics: 

when? leave May 16th for sales school (am coming home for friends wedding on the 31st and Relay for Life on the 5th

where? Nashville first, then New England

why? because my name is Ryan

making money? yes. depending upon how hard I work, I could come home with anywhere from 8 to 20 thousand dollars. whoa.

happy? very.  

*Dear Uncle Bobbles, this does not in any way mean Colorado still doesn't have my heart.  The Rockies will wait for me... I trust them.  Take me on a bike ride when I come home with a New England accent? :) 

... follow up

So... I've gotten an intense amount of feedback on the last blog (which is fantastic) about freedom.  I've concluded from everyone's responses, that being free means all sorts of things to different people.  A friend of mine looks at freedom as "being an absence from barriers."-- "I look at life as a game.  And I consider total freedom to be an incredibly lame game.  If I had total freedom, the first thing I would do is set up barriers to make things more interesting."  

Another friend of mind kinda talked to me about how I related being free to love.  She thinks people will never truly know how to love, because to love people is more than just loving those who will love you back... or even accept the love you give out.

Looking at both of these responses, it's pretty clear, that to have freedom... one can't just have a blissful walk-in-the-park life full of rainbows and smiley faces.  Maybe a part of freedom does come from the challenges life brings, and the people providing some of those challenges.  Sure, it is easy to love when that person wants it, or even wants to give it back.  But what about those who don't.  We can't just live in this bubble letting only equally happy people inside and shutting out the rest.  

My friend also mentioned that sometimes people may want to be and feel free so much, that they don't realize when they actually are.  They're constantly looking for something more, something better... so what they already have seems like nothing.  "We are chained by invisible chains... we walk freely behind mobilized bars."

I think the biggest challenge holding people back from experiencing freedom is themselves, and their "chains".  I'm going to quote the inspiration behind this blog by saying, "So let go, just get in, oh it's so amazing here.  It's alright, 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown."  The "barriers" in the "game" provide the challenges in life.  It's when people learn to "let go" that they start playing.  No matter what the outcome, beauty lurks not far behind.

So... I guess to conclude, I think the hardest part of freedom is being able to let go, to love regardless of whether or not that love will be accepted, and to take the first steps in a risk without knowing the outcome.  Okay, so being free might look like shit sometimes.  But accepting that pile of crap life throws at us all the time, and moving on with grace... there's some kind of freeing reward in that... we just have to see it.

**thanks ryan and teez. :)

free...?

"I'm a poor.  I'm a rich.  I'm a mountain.  I'm a ditch.  I'm a dagger and a shield.  I'm impatient, I'm a yield... and I want to be free, wind in my hair, salt on my skin, sun in the air.  I have to feel love, holding on me, I'll give you everything that you would ever need.  I'm the fight, and the dance.  I am heartbreak, and romance, the feather and the stone.  I feel crowded, and alone, and I want to be free..."

Those are some lyrics to Gavin DeGraw's beautiful new song, Free.  I had the pleasure of seeing Mr. DeGraw, himself in concert this past Monday.. and he. was. incredible.  Instrumentally, probably one of the best concerts I've been too.  Anyway, his new CD is full of lyrically powerful songs that you can just let sit in your head for days before grasping all the potential meanings the words possess.  Listening to Free has made me really think about what words would be compiled to make up who I am.  Or does being free mean breaking away from the descriptive words, and just being?... I can't help but think that mere words made up of measly letters are just traps.. and being trapped is precisely the opposite of being free.  But then on the other hand, maybe the word "free" is like the word love.  Such a simple, four letter word that will get you no where in scrabble.. but once meaning finds it, the word itself seems so incredibly mind-boggling, it's hard to find scrabble-winning words to do it justice.  

... "Free"... I'm sitting here writing this, and can't even pinpoint a definition for free.  Because to be free, I feel like there would need to be joy, and passion, and love.  And to describe joy, love, and passion... that would take me a lifetime to figure out.  But maybe that's the point.  It's not about the destination I reach at the end of "this"... it's the journey.-- corny, but so true.  Maybe to find meaning in the words I use to describe myself, and my journey.. I have to search a lifetime.  I don't know what my destination is.. or when I'll reach it... but I'm pretty sure to picture that would be a waste of my time.  My search for meaning in life grows exponentially every day.  But in the past few months, questioning has changed me, and made me question more... which has helped me understand more about the world and the people in it.. which, in turn, has opened my heart to those people different than myself... which has made me love those people and their differences... which makes me passionate now, to learn more, to love more, to grow more... which bring me so much joy.  Maybe that's my definition.   

"Time Of Your Song"

Bonjour!  I've been thinking how to word this post... and the thoughts and words just aren't meshing right now, so I think I'll just write, and see what happens. 

It's been easy and most definitely fun "living in the moment" with the opportunities and adventures life has presented me in the past couple of months.  Before I decided to just let go of my inhibitions, I was pretty unhappy.  It seemed like all of my roles were falling apart.  Being a good student, friend, daughter, Christian...  I was ready to finish the school year, and pack my things to head West to the one place I love, Colorado.  Luckily, more people believed in me than I thought, and I was encouraged to put the previous semester behind me and start fresh.  So I did.  Little did I know... I could actually be happy here.  Honestly, these past couple months have been unbelievably good to me.  I am so happy... and in the midst of this new outlook on life, I took the boundaries I had around my heart, and the love it gave out and let in away.  I just became completely open.  

... so, along came a boy.  A boy that knew exactly how I felt.  Long story short, we decided to not think, and just do.  No commitment, no relationship, just someone to be close to when we got lonely.  I bet you can guess how that one ended... But ya know, we knew it was going to end, and someone was going to get hurt... which happened, but we were willing to take the risk anyway.   Sometimes, we think we can control our emotions entirely, and it's just a joke to think like that.  We got lucky.  No regrets, nothing done differently if we could do it all over again, and now we have more than a strong friendship.  This might not be the case next time.  

This time a year ago, I was a completely different person... and I wouldn't go back to that person now to save my life.  Don't get me wrong, I was happy being that person then... but people change, and they grow.  I changed, and maybe now it's time for me to start growing.  Growing into something better.  Is balance starting to creep up on me??  RUN!

So, as I'm just letting this post write itself, my words are teaching me something.  I am great, and I'm meant to do great things.  I've been just riding life's coattail, which is okay.. because I have learned possibly the most important thing in the process.  I've learned to keep my heart open.  To love every single day, to be open to new people... and love them.  It scares me to think about moving from the spot I'm in right now... because I'm so full of joy, and I don't want to screw that up.  But I don't even think I'm doing anything.  I am just living, and life is moving me... which is what I wanted in the first place right?

"Keep my feet on the ground, and my head in the clouds.  I'm the arrow, you're my bow, shoot me forth and I will go". - Matisyahu