The Breakdown

Flashback moment:  This year has been incredible.  If I take a look back at my previous blogs up until this very moment, I see growth amidst all the curiosity, all the searching, all the time that's passed...  I grew into a completely new facet of myself.  I opened my eyes to a world I quickly fell in love with.  

This past year, I have given my heart freely... and it wasn't always held with gentle hands.  But taking the fence of fears and uncertainty down, I have been able to dream and love and see beauty like I never have before.  Now, it's time for me to turn my trusted thoughts into my real- life fairy tale.  In seventeen days, 2009 will be a year of past, and 2010 will no longer be a look into the future.  Let me tell you a little bit about the number ten...

Approximately ten years ago, I was the most unhappy little girl.. ten year old girl mind you, on the face of this earth.  On December tenth, ten years ago, I unwillingly said goodbye to my father.  He died ten days before his birthday.  I grew strong.  I grew guarded.  I grew up... at ten. 

Present:  Two days ago, I was sitting in my apartment, studying for the dreaded finals of this week, when I got up to walk to the bathroom, and started tearing up.  Little did I know, that three hours later, I'd be sitting in my room with one of my closest friends by my side, a puddle of tears at my feet, and a decision made that will surely change the course of my life this upcoming year. 

Thursday of this week, I am withdrawing from the University of Missouri, packing my room, and moving back home.  I will work, pay off my debts, and save for the future.  Anyone who knows me at all, knows that I mentally, and emotionally left "home" a long time ago.  That being said, this has been the hardest, yet simplest decision that I've made in a long time.  I cry off and on throughout the day thinking that I should be crying.  After all, I'm moving back to a city I am not connected too, leaving my friends, my comfort, my life here... behind me.  But deep down in my heart, I feel nothing but peace.  I don't even feel like I came to this decision alone.  It was pushed out of me.  Like Dad was saying, "Let me do this for you, Ry.  Let me start 2010 like this, so when you look back at the year on the thirty-first of December, you'll see one of the greatest years of your life."  So, that is what I will do.  These next several months are sure to humble me to my lowest... but at the end of 2010, maybe I'll have my feet in the sand, standing next to the ocean thanking my father for making this decision for me.  For showing me that ten isn't just a coincidental number for me.  Maybe, at the end of 2010, with a little sacrifice, and a bit of struggle, I will have turned my dreams into my life.  

This year, I have learned that I was put on this earth to do more than simply exist.  I was put here to live.  I am meant to be great.  I have an extraordinary purpose.  Now... it's time for me to find it.  Welcome 2010.  My eyes are open.  My smile is wide.  My heart is ready.   

I truly have the greatest parents in the world.  Thanks for pushing me to go home Dad.  And Mom, thanks for always leaving the door open.